Matchmaker, Matchmaker: Thoughts on the "Goal" of Marriage, a Response to "The Myths of Singleness"

Hello again, all!

A week or so ago, I read the post "Myths of Singleness" from the blog Everyday Set-Apart. It was an interesting post, and Bethany did a good job looking at the different angles of the perceptions of "married" and "single". Related thoughts have been spinning about in my head since, and I thought it was time to write some of them down. I plan to write a much more involved post at a later time, tied in with The Song of Solomon. So, if you're interested in the Biblical nature of all of it, just stay tuned.

Suggested Listening

Need-to-Know for Neophytes
Marriage is going through interesting shifts in the Israelite community. People are trying out new methods of meeting, of setting marriages up, etc etc. I am in a unique situation as far as a newly-married Israelite is concerned. Though I have only been married for one year, I have been together with Sven for six and a half years as of last Saturday--more than a quarter of each of our lives. We were friends in high school and began to date before we both eventually converted to Israelitism in college. This sounds more or less typical for your average American, but it's quite uncommon for Isralites in their early 20s. Fitting the more-"Israelite" mold is my older brother; About a year and a half ago, my brother was married in what he calls "a deliberate marriage" (from the outside, they look like arranged marriages).

Right now, deliberate/arranged marriages are very popular in the Israelite community. For one, they guarantee a spouse of the same religion--a very important thing for Israelites. They also remove the insecurities of dating and the risks of temptation. It makes meeting a suitable partner easier, as contacts are called in and used to connect a likely couple, who takes it from there. It's a bit like online dating, only it's through acquaintances and family members that people are matched. All of the Israelites I know who have been married through deliberate marriages plan to use the same system for their children.

Though the system is not the same as that represented in the video above, in many ways, the current Israelite outlook is closer to "Matchmaker Matchmaker" than to the typical American one.

[I was unable to find a good link to an article or video properly describing a deliberate marriage, but for those of you with some jingle in your pocket, there's a documentary you can watch, called Betrothed, that shows the story of a betrothal beginning to end]

The Gift of Singleness and the Myth of Marriage
The aforementioned post from Everyday Set-Apart tackled the concept of the "gift" of singleness, as single people are greeted with comments like, "Oh, how blessed you are! You have so much time/connection to God/ability to travel!" These comments make it seem being single is the single-best state a person can experience. Bethany rightly points out the rather pessimistic light these comments shine on marriage--they imply marriage eats time, suppresses one's relationship with God, and limit mobility.

Make your choice!

On the other side of the coin, there is a growing movement/idea of marriage as the ideal state regardless of the circumstances, with the goal of creating a family being first and foremost. People begin planning for their children's eventual marriages while the children are still infants. There is a strong emphasis on "finding a proper wife/husband".


Thoughts
To be clear on my bias before I begin, I am a married person, and I haven't been single since I was......16. So I may be way off-base here as far as talking about other realms of experience. However, I feel falling into either camp, "Singlehood=BLESSING!" or "Marriage=PUREST HAPPINESS!", does a disservice to the camp-member.

Singleness is not a blessing or a curse; it is a state of being. It is not something to be reveled in or escaped. It simply is.

Marriage is similar. Marriages are not equal, and not all marriages are great. Everyone has their own story as to how they got into their marriage, and there are many methods that "work" for becoming married.

The key, I think, is the not state of being, married or single, but the people involved. Allow me to explain. I've read several blog posts/magazine articles in which a religious person laments their singlehood. They want to be married. They want to have a family. They're tired of waiting. Seemingly, Israelite parents who plan on having their children deliberately married prioritize the same things--a marriage for their child, a family for their child, etc etc etc.

The people who feel this way are looking at marriage the same way Bridezillas look at weddings. They want a "marriage", not a specific person. To be fair, I am a romantic, but, if I were not married to Sven currently--if we had never met--I truly do not believe I would be married at all.

This guy or no guy. All I'm saying.

A marriage is only as good as the people in it. A single person should not feel bad for being single if they have not met "that person" yet. There's nothing to mourn if there is no opportunity. Likewise, we happily-married folk shouldn't put pressure on single folk if there is no person in their sights. Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is life-changing. Marriage can complete lives--but only if the couple is right.

"Marriage" should not be the goal of anyone's life, in my view. Instead, the goal should be to meet someone worthy of marrying, a "matchless match", if you will.

On that note, a verse: "...I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go..." 

Song of Solomon, 3:4