Alternate Viewpoints: Israelite Marriage

Hello again!

Today, I'll be exploring and explaining the different views Israelites have on marriage/weddings/dating as well as looking at what the Bible actually says. As I mentioned in my last post, the Israelite community is big into what is sometimes called "deliberate" marriages. Today, I'll be tackling a couple of things. For you newbies, I will explain in greater detail the workings of deliberate marriages, and for both newbies and old hats, I'll present an alternate viewpoint.

[NOTE: Adult content warning! As we are looking at marriage, there will be some rated R things said/shown in this post. They are Biblical rated R things, but rated R nonetheless.]

Without further ado, let's get into it.

(Source)

Deliberate Marriages and "Hebrew Israelites"
     A large portion of Israelite people refer to themselves as "Hebrew Israelites", in an attempt to differentiate themselves from Israelis, as well as to add something of their character to the religion. For the purposes of the following post, I will use "Hebrew" to denote the culture that often accompanies Israelitism but does not come directly from the religion itself. For example, many Hebrew Israelites mothers use cloth diapers. There is no law in the Bible regarding cloth diapers, but the usage of cloth diapers is something found in higher percentages in the group "Hebrew Israelite" than in a random assortment of Americans.
     Hebrew Israelites are the Israelites, to my knowledge, most interested in the idea of a deliberate marriage. Regardless of the parents' marriage origin, the Hebrew Israelite parent regards deliberate marriages as "God's Plan for Marriage", saying it is the ideal form of marriage, resulting in the best marriage relationships and families, etc etc. A deliberate marriage consists of many precise steps. I will render them as best I'm able; I have experienced a deliberate marriage secondhand through my brother, but I have not been able to find any fantastic sources to outline the steps for you guys. If I mess any of them up, I apologize heartily. For the purpose of explanation, I'll take the part of a single Hebrew Israelite lady who lives far away from her possible gentleman (this is a common scenario; most Israelite communities are spread far apart from each other. It's usual for couples to come from different states, etc).

• Step 1:  Recognize a desire for marriage. Talk to your parents about finding a proper prospective husband.
• Step 2: Your parents will begin putting out feelers with acquaintances, acquaintances-of-acquaintances, different congregations/communities, etc, looking for a suitable suitor.
• Step 3: Once a possible fella is found, your parents may set up a meeting with said sir and his parents to see if he passes muster. You may or may not know when/if this is occurring. Your parents will interview the guy in regards to his personality, background, interests, beliefs, wishes for the future, etc., to make sure it is all kosher. If a red flag comes up--conflicting personality/interest/belief, etc--they will politely cut off contact and resume the search. Assuming the man passes the test, they move on to:
• Step 4: Contact! You are informed of your suitor's name and background and given a way to contact him. Depending on where you live/how strict your parents are feeling, it could be emails sent back and forth, read by your parents first to make sure nothing too saucy is being said. This is the time for you to get to know your possible spouse's personality and see if they're the sort of person you could marry.
• Step 5: Simultaneous to your communication, your family will still be checking out the guy, and his family will probably be scrutinizing you, as well. Contacts will be utilized, internet history will be searched, and every action is observed to check for suitability.
• Step 6: First meeting! If some time has passed and it seems both parties are on board, a meeting will be arranged. The meeting, and subsequent meetings, are chaperoned by a family member/family friend. This is a chance to build a relationship with the person. Little to no physical contact will be allowed between you and your future husband at this point. Expect to sit on a different couch than him, no hand holding! and certainly no hugging or other physical affections.
• Step 7: Approval. If all is in order, your families (ie: "fathers") will agree to allow your relationship to progress to the next level. Hurray! It's time for:
• Step 8: Betrothal! At this time, a contract (called a "Ketubah") is drafted by yourself and your future husband. Some Jewish marriages also use Ketubahs. In a Ketubah, the outline/guidelines for your future life is planned--how you will deal with future children, how you will treat each other, etc. Once the Ketubah is signed, you are married, on paper. Practically, however, you are betrothed. The equivalent would be a marriage certificate. According to the interpretation of the Law, you are married at that point, but you yourself may not view yourself as married. Ketubahs may be bought or handmade, printed or written, etc. I myself painted the Ketubah for my brother and sister-in-law. At this, you may progress to the next physical level--hugging, and maybe some light kissing.
• Step 9: Separation! The strictest Hebrews require a period of separation after the betrothal is official. The groom must go home and prepare a place for his future wife. Contact between you and your hubby should be kept to a minimum. The separation should last a significant portion of time, even several months. This is your time to say goodbye to your family and single life.
• Step 10: Marriage! You will be prepared to move in with your husband, bags packed, etc, and at some unexpected time, he will appear. The wedding will be held, and after that, you will move into his house and be a married couple. (It's like a surprise party; everyone but the bride is usually in on it).

    And that's it! Now, depending on the relationship, there may be more steps, or there may be less steps. There is no commandment in the Bible in regards to the steps, though there are patterns existing for the steps (Notably, the relationship between Yeshua and the church). The main idea is to take the relationship out of the individual's hands and place the control in the hands of the parents/community to create a stronger bond. Parents and community members will be able to judge with clearer (ie: less lusty/shallow) heads the value of a relationship. They will choose a suitable spouse to start a family with. Family-starting is a very important part of deliberate marriages. Everyone I know of who is in a deliberate marriage has become pregnant/had a child in their first year. A child will cement the relationship and keep the focus where it should be--family.

    The fear is if marriage is left in the hands of the individuals, the wrong choices will be made, or there will be a sexual relationship before time. There is a belief that a couple who engages in sexual acts before marriage will be cursed in some way, because they have gone against "God's plan for marriage". I have heard couple who were not married deliberately lament their lusty pasts; this is a large factor in parents wanting to make their children follow "God's plan" when it comes time for them to marry. Parents who were married deliberately wish to help their children avoid the sordid experience of modern dating. Deliberate marriages are thought to be the only Israelite and holy way to get married.

Achtung!

Personal Disclaimer

     I am rather biased against the view deliberate marriages are "God's Plan for Marriage". I will explain the personal bias here and the Biblical/scholarly bias in a bit. To be clear, I think deliberate marriage is a fine way to go about getting married. I respect people who marry in this way for their trust, faith, and determination. I have no problem with two adults choosing to marry deliberately. I have a problem with the pervasive idea that deliberate marriage is "God's Plan for Marriage" and the only legitimate way one can marry.
    Part of my bias comes from the environment preceding my own marriage. My brother had been married deliberately a few months prior, and the community was abuzz with "God's Plan for Marriage". My parents were on the bandwagon and very proud of/excited for my brother, naturally. However, there was an inevitable side effect to this buzz; I had been engaged for approximately a year, dating for 5 years, and my relationship was being viewed as "against God's plan".
     My personal bias comes from my feelings of having done "everything right" but coming up against "God's Plan for Marriage". By Hebrew standards, my relationship with Sven was scandalous, even X-rated. Kisses should only be shared between spouses! Dating?! The temptation! How dare we choose our spouse for ourselves! Etc, etc, etc.

Cover your eyes, kiddos; this stuff is for married grown ups only!

     Now, to be fair, I never had anyone scold me about my relationship with Sven, and nor did he. We were, however, involved in some slightly embarrassing conversations where someone would declare heartily, "X couple is doing the right thing! It's God Plan for Marriage!" and then give us an awkward side-eye. There'd be a little throat-clearing, and someone would change the subject.
     Being of the scholarly mindset, this got me interested in what actually was God's Plan for Marriage. Were they right? What was required? What were the proper steps to take? So I started digging.


First off, "Love"--Jacob and Rachel
     A large part of the Hebrew criticism of typical relationships comes from their problems with love. Love is inconstant. Love is shallow. Love is blind! "Marriage for love is a new concept" is a common mantra. This is the first and easiest claim to knock down. The Hebrew view of marriage is businesslike. It revolves around contracts, requirements, and steps. Everything is logical and weighed out. There is little room for love there.
    To disprove this claim, let's look at a couple of Biblical relationships. In Genesis 29, we can read part of the story of Jacob, also called Israel, the father of the 12 tribes. Back when Jacob was just plain old Jacob, he was single and looking to find a lady. He went to stay with his maternal uncle, Laban, and there met Laban's daughter, Rachel. Upon first meeting, Jacob kissed Rachel and introduced himself (29:11). He began to work with Laban for awhile, helping him with his flocks and lands, and Laban was impressed. He offered Jacob a reward, and Jacob asked for the hand of Rachel in marriage. "And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, "I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter."" (Gen 29:18). Right off the bat, Jacob and Rachel's relationship does not fit the Hebrew mold. Jacob met Rachel himself, not through a go-between, and kissed her upon first meeting, before he even introduced himself. When he asked for her hand, it was because he "loved" her. We are then told, "And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her" (Gen 29:20). The word "love" used is defined thusly, "to have affection for (sexually or otherwise)" (source). Jacob did not work seven years because he felt he had to. Jacob worked seven years because he loved Rachel. His love was such that the years felt short. This was not friendship-love. This was not fondness-love. This was love-love. And even after Laban tricked Jacob and made him marry his other daughter, Jacob was willing to work seven more years because he desired Rachel so much (Gen 29:27). This proves marriage for love is not "new". Its popularity may be new, but Jacob himself desired to marry for love. Marriage and love go together. It is not required for marriage to precede love. Adding family to the mix does not always make things better; for Jacob, it ended up with him having two wives; one he disliked, one he loved, a slew of angry children, two concubines, the curse of barrenness, much family strife, and a son sold to a foreign country. If he had been able to go along with his love and marry solely Rachel, their lives would have been much easier.

Too scandalous?

Second, "Process"--the Song of Solomon
    As you saw, the process of deliberate marriage is....well....deliberate. The steps should be followed, in order, or else. However, there is one glaring example in the Bible standing against deliberate marriage as the only way. I present to you The Song of Solomon. The Song of Solomon is one of the most misunderstood books of the Bible I know of. I've heard it's about the love of Solomon. I've heard it's about how we're supposed to love God. I've heard many things. A lot of the confusion comes from the structure and language. Much of the language doesn't translate as to the mood or gender of the speaker (but the original reveals the meaning) I highly suggest you look up the Companion Bible's explanation of to clarify it. (Or check the Strong's Concordance and go word by word).
    In short, the Song of Solomon is the story of a fatherless vineyard worker who loves a shepherd (1:5-6). The story is told by the woman to the women of Solomon's harem. It tends to jump out of order since it is a story, but this is the jist: The vineyard worker is sent to the vineyards by her family to keep her away from the shepherd , but nevertheless, they carry on with their relationship (1-2). One day, King Solomon sees the vineyard worker and tries to seduce her (6:8-10). He takes her away to his palace to try to add her to his harem. She resists (1:4), proclaiming loudly her love for her shepherd to the concubines of Solomon (7:10). Her shepherd follows her to the city. The woman tries to escape, but is caught and beaten by the guards of Solomon (5:7). Impressed by their love and the vineyard worker's faithfulness, Solomon sends her off home, accompanied by her shepherd (8). Now, that's the PG version. There's a lot more going on in this story.

• The woman's family heartily disapproves of the relationship. sending the woman to tend the vineyard to keep her apart from the shepherd (1:6, 2:15)
• It is implied the relationship of the shepherd and woman has progressed to the betrothal stage without the approval of the girls' family (2:16, 3:4, 4:8)
• There's a little bit of spicy raciness going on between the shepherd and woman. In the first chapter, (1:16-17) there is talk of a house made of trees. Due to the translation of the King James, it seems they are talking about an actual home. When looking at the actual meaning of the words, however, it is revealed they are talking about a secluded wooded area where they meet each other in secret. The translated as "house" is closer to "bower" in reality, and "rafters" more like "retreat". Chances are the KJV was translated to fit the sensibilities of the time. The "banqueting house" of 2:4 is closer to "vine arbor" or "vineyard bower"
• In this bower, a series of rather physical intimacies take place (derived from the compliments the woman and shepherd trade--more on these later)

     Looking at the more detailed version of the story, this seems like a cautionary tale. Saucy girl who spends too much time in secret with shepherd is picked up by notorious womanizing King, bribed, beguiled, beaten, and eventually sent home. However, the story does not have any caution in it. Instead, the relationship between the shepherd and woman is shown as pure while Solomon plays a villain's role, twirling his mustache while plotting to steal a woman's virtue by hook or by crook.

Pictured: Solomon (Source)

     It is also impossible to divorce the relationship of the woman and shepherd of its sexual nature. While the woman is recounting her tale, she includes many spicy details, "I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste" (2:3) (remember, her beloved is a shepherd; he does not grow fruit), "by night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth..." (3:1), "Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet...Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies" (4:3-5), "Thy lips...drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon" (4:11), "...His belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires" (5:14), In 4:12-15, the shepherd describes the woman as a shut up garden, full of wonderful plants and fruit, along with a fountain. The woman replies in 4:16, "Let my beloved come into his garden and eat its pleasant fruits". Immediately thereafter, the shepherd replies, "I am come into my garden..." (5:1). There is nothing about these compliments that suggests an innocent meaning. The shepherd does not grow fruit; he is a shepherd. At night, on her bed, the woman thinks of the shepherd. The shepherd refers directly to her lips, breasts, taste, and smell. Obviously, the two are physically well-acquainted. The shepherd describes the woman as a garden; yes, she owns a garden, but she is not a garden herself. She tells him her "garden" is his, and for him to enter, and he responds that he is. Now, perhaps, they are talking of purely mental attributes, but it does not seem so. Their descriptions are too sensuous. 

     There can be no doubt the shepherd and woman are not following the plan for a deliberate marriage. They meet on their own, against her family's wishes. They are very physically intimate, or at least have no shame in complimenting each other. They are betrothed, through agreement with each other, but there is no planned separation (though a separation does occur thanks to Solomon's kidnapping). Yet, at the end, the woman is celebrated by her family, who say, though she is young, that if she is a wall, they will build her into a "palace of silver" (8:9), and she affirms her worth, saying the shepherd is the only one for her, and Solomon can keep his 1,000 gardens; she'll be happy with her one vineyard and her beloved (8:12-14). Rather than being scolded by her family or receiving any, "I told you so"s, the woman is applauded for her faithfulness. She is not cursed for running away with some shepherd. She is not condemned for her "shallow" feelings, nor is the shepherd. Also, their relationship has nothing to do with the family they hope to create. Their relationship is not "for the creation of children". Their relationship exists because they love each other. For their actions, they are blessed and, as it is implied, live happily ever after.

"Those Abs......."

"Those Lips......"

The Law and Marriage

   One with some small knowledge of the Torah may jump to their feet, citing indecency when confronting the relationship between the shepherd and woman in the Song of Solomon. However, as strange as it seems, their relationship is kosher. As I mentioned earlier when talking about Hebrew culture; it does not come directly from the Bible. There is nothing in the Bible that states one must follow the steps of deliberate marriage. Honestly, most of the laws regarding marriage are "do nots" (don't sleep with relatives, don't sleep with married people, laws for allowing divorce, etc, etc.). As far as "Do"s go, there aren't many, and most of the "do" laws are tangentially related:

• If a woman who lives in her father's house makes a vow, her father may cancel her vow when he first hears of it, but if he doesn't cancel it within the day, her promise stands (Numbers 30:3-5)
• "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)
• If a couple is in the newlywed phase (ie: first year), the man is supposed to stay at home, even during war, to "make his wife happy" (Deuteronomy 20:7, 24:5)

     And, well, as far as the Torah is concerned, that's about it. To answer the question, then, "What makes a marriage?" the answer is this: a man and a woman who have become "one flesh" (ie: had sex). People in the Biblical Old Testament times did have betrothal periods, and they did have wedding ceremonies, but nowhere are these things required. The betrothal and ceremony is just a cultural tradition. Even the approval of the father does not have to be sought for the marriage to be complete. He can cancel the promise of marriage if he disapproves, certainly, but all he has to do for the marriage to be legitimate is to remain silent. The woman and the shepherd from the Song of Solomon were completely legitimate; she had no father who could say "no"; the father's right of veto does not pass to another relative if he is out of the picture. Therefore, no matter how much her mother and brothers disapproved, they had no say over her relationship. If the woman and shepherd had not had sex yet, but simply been rather intimate, it means nothing, and if they had had sex, they were technically married. 

     After all, did Adam and Eve have parents to set them up? Or a Ketubah to sign? No. Adam simply said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’for she was taken out of man.” and thus, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." (Gen 2:23-25). Adam and Eve followed "God's Plan for Marriage" in its truest form. 

Hey, look at that, "marriage"

Conclusion

Deliberate marriage is fine and dandy, and there's nothing wrong with it, but saying or believing it's "God's Plan for Marriage" does a disservice to yourself, your children, other couples, and, ultimately, God. It doesn't matter if there are children or no children. It doesn't matter if there is a signed piece of paper or not. It doesn't matter if there is a wedding ceremony. God's plan for marriage is a man and a lady getting intimate and staying that way their whole lives. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

[To keep this post short, I've left out two important aspects of Israelite marriage; however, I will address them in my next two posts. They are polygamy and "rape=marriage". These are two foggy bits of Israelite marriage that are often looked over, wrongly applied, or ignored. Studying them reveals a lot, however; where Ketubahs come from, how marriages begin, a system of responsibility, and, ultimately, they both add to the Adam and Eve version of marriage. Stay tuned!]